I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
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I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.