My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
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My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”