My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
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Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
I had to Stop for this
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.