@CulturedRuffian: My anaconda don't want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
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@TheRealNickKay: WIFE: I can't believe you ruined my birthday yesterday ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn't even know it was your birthday
@Tuna_Lover: I took my turtle for a walk. It's been six months and we are finally at the end of my driveway.
@KeetPotato: GF: "you're so childish" me: "it's my day too linda" [we sit in silence] wedding planner: "so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?"
@Alexclaimer: *walks up to IKEA return counter *rips receipt into tiny pieces *tells the clerk to put it together himself