@CulturedRuffian: My anaconda don't want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
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@danwlin: 12:00am - Government shuts down 12:01am - Saying “Merry Christmas” is illegal again 12:02am - All student loan balances go to zero 12:03am - It is now legal to marry marijuana 12:04am - Tide Pods become sentient
@mrtruthandsoul: "I think I stepped in some upchuck" What's up, Chuck? "Not much, but my name's not Chuck" *vomits*
@_SingleBabyMama: Asked my toddler if she'd work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate "No." At least she's honest.