@CulturedRuffian: My anaconda don't want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
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@rolldiggity: It's going to be so disappointing if we ask aliens about crop circles and they're just like, "We hate corn."
@EndhooS: [Meeting friends baby] Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he's a big boy isn't he Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds Me: wow that's cheap
@WalkingOutside: Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you're like, "What the hell have I done?"
@jeff_ratfamily: A ladies magazine told me to compliment my wifes booty. So I told her I was glad it wasn't hairy. I need a place to stay