My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
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Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Twitter remains undefeated
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
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