[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
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my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Me in tagged photos
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”