My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
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I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage