My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
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4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…