I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
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WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna