My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
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me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s