My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
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My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college