My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
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I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
My love language is deader than Latin
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.