My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
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My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.