[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
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Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Godspeed, John Glenn
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.