9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
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Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
also my go-to takeaway order
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Shoo shoo! 😂
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
I’m sorry…what?
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.