@Piecezilla: My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.
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@SexySpainNights: Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow, I found my bagpipes for tonight.
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister- Me: Stop tattling. I don't want to hear about it unless there's blood. 5: Me: 5: How much blood?