@Piecezilla: My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.
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@BlackCatBettie: I'm really bad at portioning uncooked pasta...so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
@withanewname: *Jesus sits down at the bar* "The boss says we have to start charging you for water"
@realHamOnWry: Today Donald Trump renewed his talk about surveillance on Mosques, gun control and adding alligators to FBI No Fly lists.
@nigelgodwin: How do you know when you are too drunk to drive? When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..