I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
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I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
That earthquake could have been an email.
I thought this was funny lol
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.