My apathy is at an all time whatever.
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Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Twitter is an abusement park.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
seems like a niche market
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Chicken bread
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
the answer was staring at me all along