Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
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I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
The asteroid..
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?