@realHamOnWry: My apologies to Tom Cruise. I honestly thought that Scientologists dug up and studied old scientists.
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@Whymze: [pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral] alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
@PopSlapFunk: When 13 witches collectively fart in a cauldron and quickly cover it with a lid... *lowers shades* ...Dutch Coven.
@markleggett: The worst part of being an astronaut would be eventually having to come back to Earth and deal with other people.
@somelightcrying: [think of idiom] firing on all cylinders [post tweet w/ idiom + literal interpretation] mr. on all cylinders, ur fired [wait for 100+ faves]