My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
You Might Also Like
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
absolutely not
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to