[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
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My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.