My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
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I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
girls literally only want one thing..
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit