My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
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He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.