I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
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My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
starting a garage orchestra
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
This sounds bad:
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
“You’d better run, egg!”
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.