[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
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Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Leaving the Barbers like
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now