My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
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Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes