My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
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Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Happy thanksgiving!
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.