My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
You Might Also Like
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
They’re really bad with fonts.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.