My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
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If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.