@DurtMcHurtt: My attention span is shorter than donuts are better with sprinkles.
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@tchrquotes: 6yo:You can't eat chips before dinner! Me:YOU can't. I'm a grown man. I do what I want. *Wife walks in*: What's that? Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
@BriarSlyMalice: SHE has the mouth of a sailor... ...that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
@ImSoFrancis: Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire? Me: the only wire I'm wearing is why're you still single? Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
@onion_an: [jumps in getaway car after bank robbery] "They said no I couldn't have any money" Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies