I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
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[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
The photographer’s assistant
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
☺️
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr