Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
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When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.