My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
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I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Come back with a warrant
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Smells like a challenge to me
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.