@just1fool: My aunt called me a basket case so I swallowed all of her decorative, weaved pieces of art that hold things to show her.
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@LuvPug: It must be pretty inconvenient when you meet someone from a dating site and you're already married to them.
@WorldofWid: Be advised Ladies: Once I show you my Knight Rider lunchbox from 1985, foreplay has officially begun.
@jenlaw_11: Mom I'm running away! No I don't need a jacket! Mom no I'm fine I don't need a jac- mom! No I don't need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
@dmroberts1000: Gf: why have you been googling 'can you milk a hamster' Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet