My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
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Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
ok like just. call me at this point
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things