@WaluigiLover: My aunt is trying to convince me that I'm gonna have kids. I named my kittens lunchbox and cocaine Steve. No one is gonna let me have a kid.
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@lawyerthoughts: Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around "the law". Judges don't like it.
@kyry5: At a business meeting: "How about SuperCupid?" "No, expectations will be too high" "GreatCupid?" "Lower" "Uhhh, OKCupid?" "Brilliant"
@tarashoe: ah, mercury's going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth