@WaluigiLover: My aunt is trying to convince me that I'm gonna have kids. I named my kittens lunchbox and cocaine Steve. No one is gonna let me have a kid.
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@thepunningman: "How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?" 384 my liege "Ok, round them up" 400 my liege
@Reverend_Scott: WIFE: Please stop. ME: Stop what? WIFE: Singing in the shower. ME: What's the big deal? WIFE: You're scaring everyone at Home Depot.
@squirrel74wkgn: *knocks on bathroom stall wall* Forgive me father, for I have sinned. "Huh? What?" It's been 3 days since my last- [sound of diarrhea]