Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
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My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging