My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
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An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.