My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
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*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.