how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
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[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
relationship goals
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…