[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
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You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Here’s a meme
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
My inexpensive home security system…
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*