My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
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Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
6: are snakes just neck?