My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
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Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
U talkin 2 me?
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.