My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
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A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”