My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
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I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises