@Tmoney68: My background check bounced.
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@drinksmcgee: The best part about owning cats is that they’ll eat you when you die and save you the cost of a funeral.
@squirrel74wkgn: [at Victoria's Secret] *folding panties on table* "Sir, where are the fitting rooms?" Oh, I don't work here. *continues folding panties*
@sammyrhodes: Sometimes I feel like Valentine's Day was invented by a guy who had way too many chocolate covered strawberries.