My background check bounced.
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When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!