My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
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My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?