My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
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You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Spotted in New Orleans.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Florida be like…
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time