[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
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Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
I have so many questions.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food