[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
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Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Good Morning.