I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
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Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
ACED my prostate exam!
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
When someone says you are so lazy
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
🤣🤣🤣
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities