@notbedelia: My bank account has 7 figures but 6 of them are to the right of the decimal point.
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@Reverend_Scott: *calls boss* Me: I can't come to work. Boss: Why not? Me: Gotham city needs me. Boss: ...You're not Batman. Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
@QwertyJones3: "Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out." Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I'll prove you wrong.
@ChickenFrecklez: Me texting friend: Hey! What's up? Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling* Me: I am so glad I didn't ask "how's it hanging"
@erikbransteen: Kanye West tweeted that Bieber's 'What Do You Mean?' was 2015's best song. The "...which wouldn't happened without me" tweet coming soon.