@notbedelia: My bank account has 7 figures but 6 of them are to the right of the decimal point.
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@JermHimselfish: My doctor had to put me on a new medication that's supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
@rohoxbaby: tip: glue a tiny mirror onto your drivers license photo so, when you hand it to the cops, they will get confused & arrest themselves instead
@Reverend_Scott: [blind date] (don't let her know ur a dog walker) "So what do u do?" Well, I'm like a- [13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
@crunchenhancer: Women are like campfires. Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart. And, both don't like it if you pee on them. Mostly.