Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
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*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is