Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
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When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.