My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
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My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Would you wear it?
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
This is my emotional support knife.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.