@mattZillaaaa: My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like "no, I went out last night"
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@envydatropic: It's cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
@DaddyJew: Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER 6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we're all out
@MartaEffing: Turns out you have to *tell* a guy you're going out, otherwise you just end up standing on his doorstep wondering why he's in his sweats.