My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
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My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
I need a headline like this
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
When someone says you are so lazy
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.